July 17, 2001
-
Let’s Be Friends.
Someone, please explain this to me. I’m not being sarcastic – I’m serious as a heart attack here.
When couples break up, a lot of folks tend to do the "Let’s be friends" thing. Now, maybe I’m just old and cynical, but it seems to me this isn’t a good idea in about 75% of the cases.
As far as I can tell, reasons to think you should stay friendly with your ex might include:
- No one really did anything wrong, it’s just time to go your separate ways.
- There’s kids involved, and no one wants ugly scenes.
- The parties aren’t really ready to completely let go of the relationship.
#1 kind of makes a little sense to me. #2 is totally reasonable to me, but being polite and being friends are very different things. It seems that #3 is the most common cause of people doing this "let’s be friends" thing.
Reasons to NOT still "be friends," for me anyway, include:
- I’m not hard-up for friends. I have plenty of high-quality, fabulous friends.
- There’s a history there, emotionally and probably intimately. Going backwards in a relationship is almost always impossible. How do you go from knowing what someone looks like naked and knowing what makes them orgasm to waving hello on the street?
- It’s probably going to be uncomfortable for any new significant other in your life to have this other person around as a "friend."
Feedback, please. I need feedback.
Comments (12)
good blog.... i guess you could stay friends but as you put in #2 the history might make it wierd... I know I no longer stay in contact with my old flame... no interest is left there...
May be a #4 for staying friends. The sex was good, but that was all. And there is no replacement, yet. I think just "being friends" never works. Either the friendship falls apart, or they start sleeping together. Hence, remarry, yadda, yadda, yadda. Cycle back to breakup, starts over.
I agree! I've done it myself - keep the sex going, because it's at least familiar, until something else comes along. That's not really friendship, though... that's just polite screwing.
"Let's be pleasant acquaintances if we accidentally bump into each other on the street".
THAT's doable.
A breakup is kinda like a death. You need some time and space to accept the situation, grieve, and move on with your life.
Well what kind of sicko tries to stay all chummy with the corpse?
I dated a lot of people (sad enough as it is), and I never managed to stay friends with one of them. I wanted to, because of course I valued them a great deal. But I agree wtih stjnky...you've gotta have time to grieve the intimate relationship and the dreams that won't come true with that person. It's very difficult to stay friends and go through the grief process. You want to talk to the person about your sadness, but that's not really appropriate, keeps the emotional intimacy going. You can't make a clean break that way. I counsel my friends to back away from each other for a while, then see if they still want to be friends. Chances are, they will realize like you said, that they have good friends to rely on. They didn't want a friend in their dating partner, they wanted a dating partner!
its simple...you go your seperate ways.
if in time you find yourself friends.....great. if not....so be it.
I think that in "most" cases, it is hard to maintain a friendship after breaking up. I have tried it on several ocassions, but more often than not, it doesn't work. There are those few cases where it does work, but you have to be able to get past all the 'baggage' that was in your relationship before you can move on. Lastly, there are those people who know that they weren't meant to be in a relationship with other said person, but they make for great friendships instead.
Nobody else can tell you the right way to feel. It's all about what's inside you, and no two people are alike.
I think that being civil to one's ex is the most honorable way to go. Other than that, I don't feel I have a right to an opinion.
i guess it doesn't really work to be friends with an ex if one is still pining for a reconciliation. i agree with juliet_a, being civil would be the right thing to do... after all, you've shared something together...
hazel is right. when one party is hoping for something more than friendship, then it will never work.
Yeah, I have to agree.
I've been in a few relationships that ended fairly amicably, but we couldn't stay friends because one or the other of us was always aware the other one wanted more than just being friends.
It's way too painful.
Good pondering! My opinion is that its better to make a clean break.